¿Comprendo?

“I understand,” he said.

“I don’t think you do,” his partner replied back. “If you did, you would be a little bit more compassionate.”

“So, it’s back to that, is it? I never understand you and you don’t understand me. We are on a different page all the time. What is it going to take to get us understanding each other? What?”

Does this sound like a familiar dialogue?

Relationships are rife with misunderstanding. But worse yet, what I’ll call compound misunderstanding gets into play. It’s when you think you understand your partner, but apparently you don’t. You act as if you had understood, but your actions show that you have completely misunderstood your partner. God, can it get any worse?

I’m here to tell you that it can. Relationship isn’t a series of fights. At least it shouldn’t be. Life should be a series of conversations that have intent behind them: Let’s find a common ground and some peace. We don’t have to see things the same. But we do have to find a way to find peace with each other, even if it means parting in a civil way.

I have had partners who really enjoyed a good fight. I have had partners who didn’t fight at all. In fact, I went from a seven-year relationship with one man who fought with me almost constantly to an eight-year relationship in which our first fight was a year after we got together and it lasted 30 minutes. We hated being at enmity with one another. I think we had only 3 more fights in the eight years until the last three months of the relationship. Even then it was one big one that ended it.

I don’t know about you, but I had parents who fought every night after the children went to bed. These fights weren’t just arguments; they were screaming battles.

I remember one night my father said he was so mad he was going to go into the basement and shoot himself. I recall hearing his slow decent to the cellar, the spookiest place I could imagine—filled with spiders, rats, cobwebs, and ghosts—I was sure. Then from the silence one single gunshot rang out!

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Mom came into each of our rooms and gathered us into a huddle in the living room. The elder children created a protective gate around the younger ones. I was about seven. We all sat there listening for signs of life below us. The eldest had their ears at the heating register. But there were no apparent sounds.

It took thirty minutes before my brother went to the basement to find the garage door open and no signs of my father. Dad went missing for three days. I think we were all secretly relieved.

This is the kind of fighting that plagued my mind my entire adult life. So, having confrontation was always hard for me. Finding a partner for eight years who didn’t want to fight was the biggest blessing I could find. But when you don’t have arguments or disagreements, struggles get buried. That’s exactly what happened with the love of my life, which led to the break up.

A balanced way of communication can exist, but it takes two parties who understand the parameters and the rules.

1.    Each person gets the chance to voice an opinion.

2.    No one’s opinion is wrong.

3.    The objective to the conversation is not about finger pointing, it is about conveying your feelings and getting to a place where you both can put your problem to rest.

4.    Sometimes it takes stepping back and shooting for a smaller goal than the big goal you started with. Be confident in that choice.

5.    Most times it takes two people coming together without anger and willing to step forward into a better way.

My book, “Your Gay Friend’s Guide to Understanding Men” highlights a lot of different scenarios where relationships work and when they don’t. It’s a good, poignant, and funny read, if you haven’t check it out yet. You can find it on Amazon. Just type in my name or the name of the book to see any of the books I’ve written.

I haven’t ended my blog in a prayer for a while, so tonight I’m inclined to: 

“Dear God, you are a God of unlimited grace, power, prosperity, and peace. Let us never ask for too little. As your children, I know you would only want to give us the keys to the kingdom, not just morsels of bread like beggars. Today, we lay our relationships down before you and ask that you help us get rid of those struggles that don’t serve us any longer, and stretch forward toward the beauty you intended relationship to be. I trust you to answer this prayer, as you have said wherever two or more are gathered, there you are in our presence. I love you, Lord! And thank you for answering all of our prayers.”

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